All of It and None of It
by ElvishGrrl
Summary: Damon is planning the writing of a memoir of his time in Mystic Falls.


**All of It and None of It**

He's decided he wants to leave behind some sort of a legacy. It may end up an epic (and pointless) novel. It might be only be as long as a blog post. He'd like to think it could help him feel as if some of it really mattered. Even though none of it really mattered.

He wants to get the chronicle of his year and a half in Mystic Falls out of his system. Perhaps it may end up being cathartic for him. It probably won't be.

It will be a story of love. And change. A tale of redemption. A tragedy. All of it and none of it.

There will be a girl, a drop-dead beautiful girl, of course, because all stories like this always begin with a girl. Begin and end with her, you might say. She will be in love with someone else. And, against his will, the guy, (he can't call him a 'hero' – there's nothing heroic about him) will eventually fall madly in love with this unattainable girl. Of course. That's how these stories usually go. It will be predictable, for a while. She won't like him. And then, eventually, she will.

In the beginning he will be mean. He will be manipulative, devious and cruel. He will be a bitter, sarcastic, caustic shell of a man. Everyone will hate him. She will, too, at first. But not for too long, as she is (was?) infinitely compassionate and she will incomprehensibly see something good in him that no one else can see. Least of all himself. She will reawaken some long dormant part of him.

Before too long he will realize that he sees his world differently, now that she's in it, even though she's not in it in _that_ way, she's not capable of being _that_ girl to him. He will come to understand that he'd never actually known what love really was before, before he met her, even though he thought he did – he'd thought he'd move heaven and earth for another girl once, a different girl, who just happens to look like this girl. That story doesn't really matter though; it's nearly irrelevant to this one. Except for the fact that the other girl helped to shape him into the unkind man he was when he met this girl. He guesses that point might be fairly relevant.

The man will slowly begin to change because of this girl. Without even giving much thought to it, he will start to care more, to help more, to be there for her more. He will crave for her to look at him with admiration and respect in those big brown eyes. He will crave for her to look at him in other ways - deeper, more meaningful, ways - too. But that isn't ever going to happen, and he is self-aware enough to realize the truth of it.

The story will have sex (although not with _her_ – never that) and violence. Loads of violence. He will lie and steal and torture and kill when he has to, all to keep her safe. She doesn't realize the lengths he will go to in order to protect her. No one does.

He will sleep with other women to try to forget how much he loves her. He will act like none of it matters to him. But of course it does, it all does. Every last bit of it matters far more than he will ever let on.

At one point in the tale, he will finally kiss her. For real, kiss her. For him, fireworks will go off and trumpets will blare. And in that instant he will naively rediscover hope. Hope that maybe she will, after all, come to really want him one day. Come to really respect him and need him and maybe even love him the way he does her. But hope is a fickle and cruel emotion and this wouldn't be the epic tragedy it is if it were allowed to remain.

He smiles a rueful smile to himself as he remembers that brief moment in time. Two days, maybe. Fate allowed him to feel that spark of hope and happiness for two days. It's like the blink of an eye in the life he's lived, but he recalls every last second of it. His long lifetime has not allowed him very many moments of happiness. He can count the number on his fingers – he doesn't even need both hands. He can mentally balance these fleeting images easily on his palm. They are so ephemeral and fragile in his mind that he imagines he could blow them all away like tiny umbrellas of dandelion fluff on an errant breeze.

Then the story will take an unpleasant turn. It will all come crashing down around him. She will tell him his love is a problem for her and of course he will react in his usual way – by lashing out and trying to hurt her, trying to push her away. And he will succeed far, far greater than he ever imagined. She will pull away so distantly that the memories of them being friends, comforting each other, caring about each other (and the kiss) will seem as if they never happened. She will begin to then treat him like a pariah, even as he continues to save her life and those of her friends, continues to want nothing more for her than her happiness, continues to make all the tough decisions and take one (or ten) "for the team" nearly every day.

The really tragic part is that he will eventually succeed in his grand redemption arc. He will truly "become the better man" as she always put it to him. But no one will even notice. Least of all this girl. He won't say it was all for nothing, because of course it wasn't. Lives were saved – that's gotta mean something, right? It wasn't all for nothing. It just feels like it sometimes. Much of the time, to be honest.

Finally the man in the story will come to the realization that it truly doesn't matter what he does. It doesn't matter who he saves, or what punishment and torture he takes without complaint. It doesn't matter that he has nearly died for them, for her. None of it matters. Nothing he does will ever be good enough for any of them. He will most definitely never be good enough for her. She will still be in love with someone else. She will still treat him like he barely deserves the time of day. So what if she's deflecting? So what if she's hiding the fact that she does actually care, deep down inside? She won't show it, won't admit it. And it simply doesn't change anything anyway. It's far too late for that.

He will wake up one morning, after a particularly intense week has finally come to a close and he will decide at last that he's had enough. His patience for masochism will have reached its end. And he will just leave. Without saying any goodbyes. Without leaving any notes. He'll perhaps wonder in passing how much time will go by before any of them even notice his absence. He'll consider if she will even care that much, or if she'll just realize that now things can be less complicated and she will actually be grateful for his departure out of her life.

This story will not have a happily ever after. And maybe that's OK. It's not like he deserves a happily ever after anyway. Maybe this ending is all that it ever had a chance of having. But he will still feel better for having told it. His life can't have been lived for nothing - he doesn't believe that's possible. The lives he's saved in no way compensate for the lives he's taken, but they're still important. They matter. It matters to him. That she still lives matters to him the most. So he knows he will leave this world having done some good in it. That's something, at least.

It won't be a novel - he realizes that now. Not unless he starts way back at the beginning, but he understands now that this is not going to be the story of his life. This is the story of his salvation, and that story begins and ends with her.

Salvatore. It means "savior" in Italian. How ironic that she ended up being his savior, after all.

Maybe someday she'll even read it. Perhaps she'll eventually come to understand that he loved her enough to make the sacrifices that he did. He thinks he would like it if she could remember him in some positive way, later on, when she looks back. He can't stand the thought of her hating him forever. He may deserve a lot of things, but he doesn't think he deserves that.

He raises the lid of his laptop and clicks open a fresh document. He starts to type.

_"It all begins with an accidental meeting. A locking of eyes. A kiss on the back of her hand."_

And it all ends with nothing, as if it had never even occurred at all.

* * *

><p><strong>AN** _Sorry this is so melancholy but it matches my mood for this show post "The Murder of One". Also, I wanted to try writing in this style. Let me know what you think of it. Feel free to read some of my other stories if you're looking for something longer and with a better chance of a HEA! Thanks for reading. Reviews are very much appreciated!_


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